Lyle MHD's Christmas Commercial Montague Melee'
by Lyle Brown
Summary: Kiss the holidays goodbye with this salute to the Christmas commercials that have been shown this season. Ever wondered what would happen if they all came together? Find out in this broadcast special hosted by the one and only, Lyle Brown!


Please Note: This little vignette is rated "R". It pokes fun at many subjects and will undoubtedly offend someone somewhere. Please feel free to flame me, just remember that I also did it with the intentions of making you laugh, not just to piss you off. :)

Also, I've put a trailer for a fic I'm doing at the end. If you're not interested, ignore it. It's just something I enjoy doing...

  
  


LYLE BROWN presents

A LYLE mhd production

LYLE BROWN IN

LYLE mhd'S CHRISTMAS COMMERCIAL MONTAGUE MELEE   
WITH YOUR HOST OF HOSTS   
LYLE BROWN

also starring (in order of appearance):   
the twenty-something teenagers of "The Gap"   
the polar bears from the "Coke" commercials   
the grandfather, grandson and the girl from that other "Coke" commercial   
yellow peanut m&m from the "M&M" commercials   
orlando jones, AKA that "7UP" guy

with special appearances by:   
Reverend Marrows of the Presbyterian Church from his own annoying public service announcements   
the penguins of "Canada Dry" Ginger Ale   
the seal from the same "Coke" commercials as the polar bears   
the preteen children also of "The Gap"

INT. STUDIO (w/live audience)- NIGHT

ANNOUNCER   
And now ladies and gentleman, please give a warm welcome to your host, everybody's secret love affair, the man who made Mother Teresa look hostile and selfish, the giver of all givers himself, MR. LYLE BROWN!

The audience roars with approval as a young man runs onto the stage wearing a big smile, wavy hair and a stunning one-piece suit that reads "I was captured and tortured by Iranian Terrorists and I'm Thrilled to Have Received This Espestas-covered Polymanolythian Outfit!"

YOUR HANDSOME, GIVING TO THE POOR HOST   
Yes, yes. Thank you, John. And please, remember to respect those no longer with us and cease the sending of Strip-O-Grams to the relatives of Mother Teresa. So, the holidays are over and we all are getting back into our regular routine, back to our depressingly low-wage jobs and even lower test score results, but worry not friends! There is a bright spot in even the most Prozac-ridden, Anthony Robbins driven universe! Unfortunately, I haven't found it yet, but we here at LyleMHD Productions are working around the clock to do so...so, you know, despair not-

OFF-SCREEN WORKER   
Hey Lyle!

YOUR ADORABLE, EVER SYMPATHETIC HOST   
What?

O.S. WORKER   
Our clock's broken.

Audience laughs and cheers as Lyle, red-faced and oddly constrained, chuckles at the joke.

YOUR FORGIVING, TACTFUL HOST OF JOYFULNESS   
Ha-ha, yes that's one of my favorites. Especially when you hear it two days in a row. And I hope this next skit, which salutes all of the Christmas commercials this past holiday season, will be one of yours.

He gives a thumbs-up to the camera before running back-stage. Moments later the screams of the worker can be heard.

YOUR MOST AMAZING, LOVING HOST   
You little shit, that's the last time you'll use the same damn bit twice. ASSUME THE POSITI-

CAMERA goes to a picture of an Indian reading TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.

YOUR GRACIOUS, ALWAYS OFFERING OF HIS WEALTH HOST(off-screen)   
Hey, get that damn Indian off of there! The last thing I need are a bunch of pissed off and piss drunk Native Americans on my ass. You know how they get with the Tequila!

CUT TO:

EXT. SNOWY LANDSCAPE- DAY

At first only the jingling of bells can be heard and all that can be seen is a land of snow with a white background. Then, slowly, twenty-something models begin to appear on the horizon. A hip-hop poppy version of an old Christmas song comes over the audio.

The models are all dressed in parkas and general Generation Next clothing, all wearing pretty smiles with perfect teeth. In fact, everything about their appearance makes the viewer envy them.

As the song continues they all begin to pick up snow balls and pelt each other in slow motion. One of the snow balls goes long and disappears off screen. A blond boy wearing a red parka and blue jeans runs to get it and vanishes as well.

The poppy remake stops and actual audio FADES IN. Slo-mo stops too.

BLOND BOY GAPPER (B.B.G.)   
Hey guys, look what I found!

He comes back with a bottle of Coca-Cola in his hands. A COWARDLY GAPPER sees the Coke and hides behind a RED-HEADED GIRL GAPPER.

RED-HEADED GIRL GAPPER (R.G.G.)   
Wow, what is it, Johni?

B.B.G.(JOHNI)   
Beats me, *StephAniEY~. I found it by an opening in the ground.

Suddenly a deep RUMBLE can be heard off screen. Everyone waits for another sound but it doesn't seem to come. B.B.G. shrugs and drinks the Coke. A melody plays over the audio and a group of singers can be heard.

COKE SINGERS   
Have more fun, it's the taste of life, Coca cola Enjoy!

CLOSE-UP on B.B.G. as he turns and smiles at the camera with the Coke in his hand, winking. All of a sudden he disappears in a flash of blood and torn skin.

R.G.G. SCREAMS.

Camera pulls back to reveal B.B.G. being eaten alive by a large white polar bear. It's two children are underneath it, growling at the Gappers. The MOMMA COKE BEAR stops eating and for a moment, no one moves. Then all of the Gappers run, MOMMA COKE BEAR and BABY COKE BEARS #1 and #2 following shortly after.

CUT TO:

EXT. STARRY HILLSIDE- NIGHT

Oddly enough it is night now as the Gappers run down the hill side, closely followed by the three bears. Every once in a while one of them falls and meets their doom underneath the paws of the polar bears.

RED-HEADED GIRL GAPPER TRIPS on a Coke bottle and falls into a hole in the mountain's hill side.

CUT TO:

INT. CACHE HOLE- NIGHT

R.G.G. lights a match and looks around to find herself waist deep in a small room completely covered with Coke bottles.

When she tries to move she hears something above. It's one of her fellow Gappers, COWARDLY GAPPER.

R.G.G.   
Rik, Rik you've got to help me! Give me your hand!

COWARDLY GAPPER (RIK)   
I don't know...

Suddenly another polar bear pokes it's head out of the mess, his eyes wild and saliva dripping down from his gapping maw. He sees R.G.G. and disappears back into the sea of bottles.

R.G.G. SCREAMS again.

R.G.G.   
Oh God, Rik! Rik! That bear's high on Coke, please Rik!

But the COWARDLY GAPPER hesitates, and seconds later R.G.G. is yanked downwards, her scream cut off half-way as the light of her match burns out.

CUT TO:

EXT. STARRY HILLSIDE BY HOLE- NIGHT

COWARDLY GAPPER stands by the hole, breathing heavily. He looks down.

COWARDLY GAPPER   
*StephAniEY~? A-Are you there?

There is no answer. She's gone.

Shuddering, he sees another bear running towards him and scampers off.

CUT TO:

EXT. MOUNTAIN TOWN- NIGHT

A new song begins to fade in as a small town is revealed, sitting on the edge of a dark road, directly next to the HILL.

COKE SINGERS   
Hooollidays are comin', Hooollidays are comin'...

CUT TO:

INT. GRANDPA'S HOUSE- NIGHT

A little boy and his grandfather are reading from a Coca-Cola children's book about a giant red truck that comes to town every year with Santa Claus, spreading love and joy and tooth decay to all.

LITTLE COKE BOY   
Grandpa, will _I_ ever see the truck?

OLD COKE GRANDFATHER   
Sure you will Sonny! In fact, you might want to look outside now...

The little boy runs to the window with his grandfather following close behind. The reflection of a large parade glows in his eyes.

LITTLE COKE BOY   
WOW!

CUT TO:

EXT. PARADE IN MOUNTAIN TOWN

The Gappers reach the end of the hillside with only six of their number remaining. Unfortunately, they've attracted the attention of almost every polar bear on the mountain.

The polar bears swarm down towards the kids. The only defense the fashion-sensitives have are picking up Coke bottles and throwing them, thereby distracting the bears.

COWARDLY GAPPER is running across the street with a two others when MOMMA COKE BEAR #1 roughly nudges him to the ground. She stands on all fours in the middle of the road ready to crush him when the BIG RED COKE TRUCK slams into her, her body flying about forty feet to the left and landing in the snow with a THUMP.

The truck skids to a halt and YELLOW PEANUT M&M gets out, all garbed up in a Santa outfit.

COWARDLY GAPPER, LITTLE COKE BOY and his grandfather, along with other townsfolk and the Gappers observe the M&M.

LITTLE COKE BOY   
Where's Santa?

YELLOW PEANUT M&M   
Huh? Oh yeah, he and Red Plain M&M are at the hospital. I'm making his deliveries.

Everyone is silent for a moment, all of them staring at YELLOW M&M. He gulps nervously and clicks his fingers. A SMALL COKE GIRL pops up from behind him, offering the LITTLE COKE BOY a bottle of Coca-Cola. He stares at it and looks up at her, smiling. She grins back.

A VILLAGER breaks the silence by pointing at YELLOW M&M and screaming.

VILLAGER   
Imposter! He's killed Santa! GET HIM!

Before the angry Villagers can reach the M&M (who dives back into the truck) the polar bears return and begin attacking. SMALL COKE GIRL pulls LITTLE COKE BOY into the truck with her. They're quickly followed by COWARDLY GAPPER.

OLD COKE GRANDPA tries to get in but COWARDLY slams the door shut as YELLOW M&M pushes down on the accelerator and they speed off, some of the polar bears in hot pursuit while others eat the remaining Gappers and Villagers.

CUT TO:

INT. BIG RED COKE TRUCK- NIGHT

YELLOW M&M is driving with SMALL COKE GIRL next to him, who is making flirtatious movements towards LITTLE COKE BOY. He willingly returns the favor as COWARDLY GAPPER cringes at the sight of the nearby BABY COKE BEARS #1 and #2 carrying one of his dead friends in their mouths.

YELLOW M&M sees this and looks behind himself.

YELLOW PEANUT M&M   
Uh, Seven Up Guy, we're gonna need your shotgun again.

The 7UP GUY comes out of the back of the BIG RED COKE TRUCK'S latter compartment, holding a German Language Phrase Book in his hands.

7UP GUY (ORLANDO JONES)   
Heiter Weihnachstfest, allerseits!   
Merry Christmas, everybody!>

YELLOW PEANUT M&M   
Yeah...that's great. The shotgun?

7UP GUY frowns and get his shotgun, then throws it to COWARDLY GAPPER. COWARDLY looks shocked and afraid at the prospect of using it. He then inspects his nails to make sure none of them are damaged.

7UP GUY   
DaB mien stattlich hohes Teir!   
That is my great big gun!>   
Ich haben ien jucken lieste!   
I possess an itchy groin!>

BABY COKE BEARS #1 and #2 are now directly in their path and looking very menacing. YELLOW M&M glances at COWARDLY expectantly.

YELLOW PEANUT M&M   
Uh...aren't you going to shoot them?

COWARDLY GAPPER   
...I don't kn-

The truck rams into one of them, BABY COKE BEAR #1 disappearing beneath the wheel in a gushing spray of blood. Unfortunately, BABY COKE BEAR #2 jumps out of the way, slashing a large tire on the truck as he goes. YELLOW M&M loses control of the wheel and it veers harshly to the left, the entire eighteen wheeler veering with it.

CUT TO:

EXT. LAKESIDE- NIGHT

Next to a church stands a REVEREND MARROWS in a very peaceful setting right on a lakeside. The REVEREND is dressed suitably for his job and looks directly at the camera.

REVEREND MARROWS   
Hello ladies and gentleman. I, Reverend Marrows of the Crystal Lake Presbyterian Church, hope your holidays have treated you well and that God and Jesus have been with you throughout, looking over all of you faithfuls as you experience the joy of receiving and, more importantly, giving in this beautiful season. But now that the holidays are ending I would like to remind you that the celebration and worship of Jesus Christ goes on past this time, all year round. It is imperative the we remain his sinless and worshipful children so that he, our Lord and Savior almighty, might remain merciful and fatherly as always. Please, visit your local churches and praise the gift that is Jesus Chr-

The BIG RED COKE TRUCK appears behind the church, sliding towards it on it's side. It obliterates the church as it continues on it's sideways path of destruction. The REVEREND sees this and begins running.

The truck races along, the inhabitants inside waiting for impact while the REVEREND outside gets his robe caught underneath the truck. He reaches the lake and rips the robe off, diving into the icy water just in time to miss the truck as it comes to a complete stop on the edge of the embankment.

The door on the right opens and COWARDLY GAPPER climbs out, followed closely and quickly by L. C. BOY, S. C. Girl, 7UP Guy and YELLOW M&M (who now holds the shotgun).

They are brushing themselves off when they look up and notice that they're surrounded by what looks to be the entire population of polar bears in the area. At the very back is BABY COKE BEAR #2, looking seriously pissed and psychotic as he, the last surviving member of his family, suckles at a bottle of Coke.

He raises one furry white arm and signals that the rest kill the small group just as the Coke Truck falls into the lake and explodes. This sends a miniature tidal wave of water on everyone, shocking and soaking them.

Taking this opportunity, something resembling courage rises in COWARDLY and he dives over to YELLOW M&M, snatching the gun from his hand and firing it into the nearest polar bear. It stands on its hind legs (as do its brethren) and falls backwards, hitting the bear behind it.

Suddenly they all begin to fall like dominoes and another song begins to play.

CANADA DRY SINGERS   
Fallin', fallin' in love with youuuu, yes I'm fallin'...

When the final bear falls, almost crushing BABY COKE BEAR #2, they all morph into penguins and their fallen bodies read from the sky, CANADA DRY GINGER ALE.

YELLOW M&M takes his shotgun back and approaches B. C. BEAR #2. He brandishes the gun and points it at the quivering polar cub.

YELLOW PEANUT M&M   
Hey, does anybody know a good finishing line?

7UP GUY runs over and whispers something in his ear. He nods and puts the gun between the Coke-crazed cub's jaws.

YELLOW PEANUT M&M (CONTINUED)   
Yo Baby Bear. Let's see if lead melts in your mouth instead of your hand...

He shoots the gun and now looks a bit more like RED PLAIN M&M then he does YELLOW. He and 7UP GUY go back to the edge of the lake where the others are.

LITTLE COKE BOY   
I'm hungry!

SMALL COKE GIRL   
Me too...

BRAVE GAPPER   
Well, what is there to eat?

ALL look over at YELLOW PEANUT M&M. He rolls his eyes.

EXT. LAKESIDE- NIGHT

The remaining four survivors sit on the edge of the lake, each drinking a 7UP, having renounced the universal evil of Coke. Bits and pieces of YELLOW M&M are all over the place.

7UP GUY   
Mien magen satt auber mien kopf leer!   
My stomach is full but my head is empty!>

LITTLE 7UP BOY and SMALL 7UP GIRL start to make out while BRAVE GAPPER has started a fire with the church wood.

BRAVE GAPPER   
It may be a few days before anyone hears about the destruction of Coke Town and sends over a rescue squad. What are we going to do for food until then?

Before 7UP GUY can look up a reply in his German Phrase Book a bouncy ball appears from the lake and rolls over to them. A cute seal pops his head up and looks at them pleadingly. They grin at each other.

EXT. SEASIDE ISLAND- NIGHT

REVEREND MARROWS is swimming out in the sea that the lake floods out into when he climbs up onto an island. The sounds of guitar riffs and high-pitched voices can be heard from behind some trees. He staggers up and enters the trees.

EXT. ISLAND FOREST CLEARING- NIGHT

The REVEREND rustles through the pine trees until he enters a clearing and sees what's making the noise. His eyes widen. A band of ten year-old Gappers are dancing and singing badly.

ANNOYING GAP KIDS   
-I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night...

The REVEREND'S screams can be heard even after the picture

FADES OUT.

INT. STUDIO (w/ live audience)- NIGHT

ANNOUNCER   
And now, once again, the man who makes Ghandi look violent and unstable, the man who's saved over twenty million babies in the last week alone, the man who delivers six billion smiles a day, MR. LYLE BROWN!

Lyle is caught off guard as the camera focuses on him as he sits at a desk. He sees it and looks shocked for a just a split second before smiling brightly and moving his hands down beneath the desk. A SET DESIGNER peeks her head up but he pushes it back down and signals that the camera close on him. The sound of scampering feet can be heard.

YOUR MOST HUMBLE, AWE-INDUCING HOST   
Ha-ha, ladies and gentlemen that was Lacy, one of our set designers. She was making sure my desk was properly...uh, was... (he clears his throat) balanced. Ha-ha, yes. In any case, I hope you've enjoyed our Christmas Melee special and I encourage you to tune in next month when we'll be learning how to HYPE UP and RE-ESTABLISHING Commercials, such as the drastic changes in the Mentos and Pringles ads and the return of the Energizer Bunny. Good night and peace be with you all.

He smiles until he gets word that the camera's off. As the audience starts to file out he grabs a STAGEHAND who's walking by.

THE ONE TRUE CASANOVA OF THE WORLD   
Hey, where the hell is Lacy?

STAGEHAND   
Oh, uh... I think I saw her with Macerny.

THE GREATEST MAN ALIVE   
What?! Macerny? Well tell the bitch to get back here, she didn't finish and I can't leave fully loaded like this!

The STAGEHAND nods and runs off.

GOD   
Jeez, you'd think I'd have to do everythi- (he looks up at the teleprompter) Hey, get that God name off of there! The last thing I need is the Bible Belt on my case!

THE ARROGANT, DISGUSTING PIG OF AN ASSHOLE WHO TELLS EVERYONE ELSE HOW TO DO THEIR JOB   
Yeah, why don't you suck it.

MAKE ME   
I would but I've got my pants around my ankles at the moment.

LOSER   
Yeah? I don't see you gettin' blown back there, pussy!

FADE TO BLACK   
___________________________________________________________________________________

NOTE: The following is an advertisement for an upcoming fic. If you're done with me or you feel it's necessary to leave a message but wish not to read this flagrant misuse of FF.NET, please feel free to skip that which comes...Now!   
___________________________________________________________________________________   


In the coldest place in the world, entirely covered in snow; there grows an army.

(Shots of the North Pole and Willow entering underground laboratory, her eyes widening)

And this Christmas Eve there has been only one girl who has been able to fight the rising evil.

(Shot of Willow firing an Uzi into a burnt demon, then Willow using her blowtorch on four elves and running from a room as it explodes behind her)

Now she has everything to lose

(Shots of Tara and Santa disappearing into the street in the burning sleigh and Tara meeting Jack Frost in her jail cell)

-and only a small group of rebels and her friends to help her destroy the most vile enemy one could imagine.

(Shots of Santa Claus swallowing Buffy's head and howling with one eye left at Willow)

But is Willow strong enough to overcome the power of the ultimate evil?

(Shot of Diablo in hell and lava, talking to a fairy from his Crystal Shard)

Find out in the final installment of this harrowing fanfiction by the self-proclaimed master of Cinemax-styled stories.

(Shot of Willow and Santa fighting each other on a jet plane as it shoots through the mountain)

Lyle MHD's   
Santa and the Jew (Part 5 of 5)   
A BtVS Christmas Story   
Coming Soon to FanFiction.Net and many other Buffy sites...


End file.
